Okay, so, like, this whole thing is a mess, and I need to know if I'm the Ahole here. Buckle up, guys, it's a long one.
The Backstory
My husband, let's call him Mark, and I have been together for seven years and married for five. We've always been pretty good at communicating, or so I thought. We both want kids, but we always agreed that we would wait until we were more financially stable and had traveled a bit. Fast forward to now: we're both in good jobs, have a house, and managed to squeeze in some amazing trips. So, naturally, the baby conversation started heating up.
Here’s where things get complicated. I’ve always been upfront about my career aspirations. I'm on track to make partner at my law firm, which is a huge deal for me. It's been my dream since I decided to become a lawyer. Mark has always been supportive, or so I thought, until recently.
The Argument
So, last week, we were having dinner, and Mark drops a bomb. He says he thinks now is the perfect time to start trying for a baby. I was surprised but also excited. I told him that was great, and we should start to plan. That's when he said, "I've been thinking, and once you get pregnant, you should take a step back from work. Maybe even quit once the baby is born."
Cue record scratch.
I was floored. I asked him what he meant, and he said he thought it would be best for the baby if I were a stay-at-home mom. He said my job was too stressful and demanding, and he didn't want our child to be raised by a nanny. Look, I get it. He wants what's best for our future child, but I felt like he was completely dismissing my career and my dreams. I told him that I wasn't planning on quitting my job and that we needed to discuss this further.
The conversation devolved into a full-blown argument. He accused me of being selfish and putting my career before our family. I told him he was being controlling and that he didn't get to decide what I did with my body or my life. It ended with both of us storming off to separate rooms.
The Aftermath
We haven't really talked much since then. He's been giving me the cold shoulder, and I'm starting to feel like maybe I overreacted. I can see his point of view – he wants a stable home environment for our child, and he thinks that requires me to be a stay-at-home mom. But I also feel like he's not respecting my choices and my ambitions. I’ve worked incredibly hard to get where I am, and I'm not ready to just give it all up. So, Reddit, AITA for telling my husband he doesn’t get to decide what I do with my body?
I need some unbiased opinions here. Am I being unreasonable? Is he? Or are we both just completely missing each other's points? Help!
More Details
Okay, so a lot of people have asked for more details, and I want to clarify a few things:
- Finances: We can absolutely afford childcare. My salary is significant, and even if I took a temporary step back, we would still be very comfortable. His concern isn't financial; it's about wanting a parent (specifically me) to be the primary caregiver.
- His Job: He works a regular 9-5 job with decent pay and benefits. He could technically be a stay-at-home dad, but he's made it clear that he doesn't want to. He enjoys his work, but he also believes that a mother's role is more crucial in a child's early years.
- Compromise: I'm open to compromise. I'm willing to consider taking a shorter maternity leave or working part-time for a while. But I'm not willing to completely give up my career. It's a part of who I am.
- His Mother: A few people have asked about his mother. She was a stay-at-home mom, and he often talks about how much he appreciated her being there for him growing up. I think that's definitely influencing his views.
I hope this clears things up. I really want to find a solution that works for both of us, but I'm feeling stuck right now.
Updates
Update 1: We talked a little bit last night. It wasn't a full-blown conversation, but we managed to clear the air slightly. He apologized for not considering my feelings and said he was just thinking about what he believed was best for the baby. I appreciated the apology, but we still have a long way to go.
Update 2: We had a longer conversation with a therapist. It was helpful to have a neutral third party mediate. We both shared our feelings and listened to each other's perspectives. We didn't reach a resolution, but we made progress in understanding each other better.
Update 3: After several more talks and therapy sessions, we finally reached a compromise. I will take a slightly longer maternity leave than initially planned, and I will work part-time for the first year. He agreed to be more involved in childcare and household responsibilities. We're both committed to making it work. Thank you all for your advice and support!
Judgements
Most people seem to think I'm NTA (Not The A**hole), and that my husband is being controlling. Some people suggest couples therapy, which we are now considering. A few people think I should consider his feelings more, but overall, the consensus is that I have a right to decide what to do with my body and my career.
